Building Blocks of Self-Compassion for ADHD

Self-compassion. What is it? Why do we need it? How do we get it? These are all the questions we need to answer to grow as humans. In fact, self-compassion is at the start of many of our ADHD journeys.

Why is practicing self-compassion so important?

 Did you know your own lack of self-compassion can play a role in your mental health? Too often people confuse self-compassion with self-pity, which isn’t the same thing.

“New research shows that practicing self-compassion allows individuals with ADHD to be more successful in managing symptoms and to flourish in ways they may not have believed possible.” ADDitude Magazine

Reasons why you should practice self-compassion:

• Developing self-compassion encourages us to develop a concept of self
• It allows us to increase our openness to being part of the shared human experience
• Regular practice increases happiness and optimism
• Builds resilience and mindfulness
• Decreases self-judgment
• Increases motivation, self-worth, and improves body image

What is it?

Self-compassion is more than being kind to yourself. It’s forgiving yourself of any perceived failures or mistakes. It’s forgiving yourself for thinking mean things about yourself. It may be forgiving yourself for using that as fuel. Many of us who struggle with mental health do so because we haven’t learned healthy mental practices such as self-compassion. We could be our biggest fans, strongest supporters. Yet we struggle with self-doubt, self-criticism and negative thinking, and falling into cognitive traps.

Below I’m going to share how I learned to practice self-compassion. This may not be the right method for you so I encourage you to read other articles like the ones I’ve listed below to develop your own style of self-compassion.

How do I practice self-compassion?

Extending compassion to one’s self isn’t easy for people with ADHD. This is likely due to the nature of ADHD and its impact on the development of the prefrontal cortex.

You can start by noticing what your inner critic is saying. Things like “What’s wrong with me” or “I haven’t been able to do that before so I never will”.  Recognize these repeated messages your brain is reciting. Then ask yourself, would you say this to a friend? If you wouldn’t treat someone like that then you shouldn’t be treating yourself to that verbal abuse. Once you’ve become aware of this negative self-talk you can gently start to redirect and reframe that self-talk. Instead of saying the above, you might say “Everyone has bad days” or “Ok that was a mistake, mistakes happen, what have I learned in this case that I can change the next time this situation happens”.  

Here are some ways to make time to practice self-compassion:

• Practice guided meditation in general
• Saying compassionate sayings or affirmations daily
• Giving yourself a hug or holding your own hand over your heart when you feel emotionally overwhelmed taking deep breaths to slow your heart rate
• Start a daily practice of writing all your thoughts out then identify those you want to work on and rephrase them positively

Resilience is key

Resilience is the ability to bounce back from hardship. Practicing self-compassion can build your resilience by increasing your awareness of your strengths and building your self-confidence. To build self-compassion we learn to identify our strengths, and recognize our weaknesses, without judgment. 

This allows us to accept ourselves as we are. When we’re knocked down, remembering to accept ourselves and where we are, enables us to stop the downward mental spiral of self-doubt, self-criticism, and negative thinking. Then we have the opportunity to bring in our strengths to support our confidence to give it another go. This is resilience and self-compassion is a critical part. Successful adoption of a new habit, practice, or routine is a great way to practice self-compassion and resilience on a small scale.

How I learned to let go

As the ADDitude Magazine article above explains, many people with ADHD have difficulty with self-perception. You’ve learned to be your own worst critic to protect yourself from criticisms by others. Letting go of that survival tactic can be hard, if not downright impossible for some of us. This is where medication and cognitive behavioral therapy have helped me. I was suffering from high functioning anxiety and depression for years during my 20s. From the outside, everything looked ok. I couldn’t, or wouldn’t, admit to myself how bad it was. In my 30’s I began to realize I was detecting emotionally and just going through the motions of life. This is what led me to take my first step: finding the right practitioner for me to work with.

Starting the journey

My therapist recommended that I start experimenting with meditating. I made my practice of meditation special by tying it to my self-care routine, ensuring I would continue the practice in the future. I listened to guided meditations about loving-kindness and self-compassion. I wanted to get the most out of the guided meditation and found repeating the words to myself helped to keep my attention with the speaker. Slowly but surely, I developed the ability to examine myself internally and hear what my body and heart were telling me.

In allowing myself the time to relax, the time sitting and listening to these guided meditations, was a physical pause from my stream of seemingly uncontrollable thoughts. This grew my ability to practice self-compassion by hearing my thoughts without judgment and embracing myself, the good, the bad, and the weird. Little by little I’ve seen the change! I’m back to the positive person I was in high school. My negativity toward myself is mostly gone. I’m more tolerant of everything, especially myself.

With consistent practice of self-compassion and being kind to yourself, you’ll see the world in a different way. Your internal voice might be clearer and you might discover new areas to work on. But with self-compassion and recognition of your strengths, you’ll have more confidence and capacity to explore those new areas. Our community is made up of others on their own self-compassion journey who share and support each other and who can be that compassionate voice when we struggle to be our own.

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